I have hit my Pumpkin Spice Saturation Point. And it’s not even goddamn fall yet. In fact, this post is 3 weeks late because I actually hit my PSSP in August. AUGUST. That’s summer. I believe the day I hit it, it was 90 degrees with 90% humidity and I had just cut a long run short because I was a dehydrated, delirious mess. That day did not scream “BRING ON THE NUTMEG PUMPKIN-Y HEAVINESS!! HOORAY!” Maybe I could have choked down an ICED pumpkin spice coffee (on the beach, in a bikini) but certainly not a hot one. The Facts:
- Halloween Costumes were gone by the end of July.
- I saw a turkey, a Pilgrim and a cornucopia in August.
- And Santa better thrown on his board shorts because I spied his jolly old ass a week ago.
What is the goddamn rush?
For the love of Autumn, slow down. Please. We’re all rushed enough. Can we not ENJOY the Seasons? Can’t we happily anticipate the Holidays, without having them jammed down our throats, months in advance? Can’t we enjoy seasonal shit in the the season they are supposed to actually occur? They’re killing me. And I love pumpkin spice. I do. Let that be known. But honest to gourds, shit is getting crazy. In case you haven’t noticed, here’s what’s new on the Pumpkin Spice Horizon. It’s kind of a natural progression here- breakfast, snacks, happy hour and (cough) desert.
1. Bigelow, Pumpkin Spice Tea. Not too crazy. Nice. Yummy. Hot tea.
2. Eggo, Limited Edition, Pumpkin Spice Waffles. Betcha they’re not all that bad, in a sugary card board kinda way.
3. Limited Batch Chobani Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt. This might not be all that bad. They might be on to something with this one. Is ‘pumpkin spice’ the new ‘honey’ in Greece? I’m going out on a limb and saying, No.
4.Thomas’ Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Bagels. I’ve had these. They ain’t bad. Like at all.
5. Limited Edition Kraft Philadelphia Pumpkin Spice Flavored Cream Cheese. Spread this on your Pumpkin Spice Bagel and you might OD. That might be a bit much.
6. So Delicious Dairy Free Pumpkin Spice Coconut Milk. Come on. This is getting to be a bit much.
7. Planter Pumpkin Spice Almonds. WHAT? Hey. Wait a minute. Now those I really might try….
8. Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles. By the way, they’re artificially flavored in case you thought Pumpkin Pie Spice was a naturally occurring substance.
9. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses. Oh come on. You’re killing me.
10. Pumpkin Spice M&Ms. Even the M&M looks goddamn horrified. He is so over this.
11. Pumpkin Spice Oreo’s. Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that these bad boys taste like an Autumn Yankee Candle?
12. HIT Supplements Pumpkin Spice Premium Whey Blend. Become a Giant Pumpkin. NOW. Seasonal Supplements. Yup. Seasonal Supplements, guaranteed to PUMP you up. See what I just did right there?
13. Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte Ice Cream. I’m sorry. I think I just fainted. NOW THIS ONE I AM BUYING. Perhaps in bulk. I vote this the Number One addition to the Pumpkin Spice Line Up. And when is it supposedly going to hit the shelves? IN NOVEMBER. When it should, dammit. Who knows. This post is light on research. It’s probably already out. And was in April. Let’s not fact check among friends, shall we?
14. Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka. Now we’re talking! And check out that martini. Shit’s got a crust. Impressive. I think I just got Type II Diabetes at the mere sight of that cocktail. Holy Sweetness.
15. Durex Pumpkin Spice Condom. Wait. What the?!?!? COME ON. :-)
Because THAT’S how ridiculous it is out there. This concludes my rant. Thank you for reading. Now back to running….
Have you OD’d on Pumpkin Spice? Have you tried any of these? (Not the condom., Silly. That was an internet myth.) Am I missing any REALLY ridiculous ones?