Trader Joe is a crack dealer.

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Look. I don’t know who exactly Trader Joe is or what he is trying to do (other than create a heap of addicts), but I do think we should give him a new moniker- Pusher Joe. Pusher Joe is selling crack. Crack. Oh I’m sorry. Did I say crack? I meant Cookie Butter. My bad.

Let me start by saying Cookie Monster himself would free base this shit. And the Hawaiian shirt clad “employees” at Pusher Joe’s? Dealers. They sell it with glazed eyes and a perma-grin.

“Oh Hey Man. Here. Try it.” They whisper.

Glass jars filled with Cookie Butter glint under the overhead lights as “The Spy” by the Doors croons quietly in the background, beckoning. Trader Joe’s is after all, the (Other) Happiest Place on Earth. If everyone working there is hopped up on this spread I can totally see why the place oozes joy. I myself would be walking on sunshine if I worked there. Cookie Butter may be one of the most addictive substances Trader Joe’s traffics. Unlike bath salts, the only face you’d eat off was one covered with this Delectable Goodness. You’re also not getting “meth mouth” after licking the jar clean–unless you fail to brush your teeth.

So there. It’s healthier. I’ve proved it. (Just say NO to drugs Kids! But not Cookie Butter. Never Cookie Butter…)

Cookie Butter is known internationally as Speculoos. Spec-u-licious is more like it. Speculoos is a type of short bread cookie often consumed in Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany and parts of France right around Christmas. It has something to do with St. Nicholas which is fine by me as long as that Creepy Elf on a Shelf keeps his wiry mitts off of it. (Tell me that thing isn’t going to strangle you in the middle of the night? I’d sleep with one eye open Kids. Just sayin’.) It’s taste? Heaven. If only Heaven was made of pure bliss yumminess. Delicious. Kind of gingerbread-like with cinnamon and nutmeg undertones.

And the kicker? It’s really not that awful. 90 calories a tablespoon, 6 grams of fat, <;1 gram of protein, 8 grams of carbs and 5 grams of sugar. Hey. It could be worse. It could be Nutella.

I can’t believe I just ratted out Nutella? See. It’s the Cookie Butter Talking. Just call me Fredo for the love of god. What have I become? Who am I? Mother?

And peanut butter, it’s tamer, tasty distant cousin? Doesn’t hold a candle to it. Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter is a product of the Netherlands. (Hmmmm. Coffee Houses + Amsterdamn + Cookie Butter = Joy. Huh. It’s alllll coming together here.) I love the Dutch. They ride bikes. 🙂 And it’s heroin insanely delicious.

Give it a go. I promise I will talk you down after the initial high. I’ll hold your hair as you lick the jar. I’ll even help stage an intervention if it gets ugly. Cookie Butter is one of my favorite things pre-run, post-run, pre-ride, ride, post….you get the picutre. And Trader Joe is my friend. Cookie Butter. What can’t it do? All you have to do is taste it to understand.

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24 thoughts on “Trader Joe is a crack dealer.

    • Seriously. Cookie Monster would lose it. It would be like that scene from Pulp Fiction. Totally OD. It’s truly amazing stuff (laced with heroin I’m sure.) ;-). Glad you’re in!

  1. This is hysterical! I keep re-reading. And laughing. And my mouth keeps watering. HOWEVER, my local TJ’s pushers must have gone through rehab or something, because I was there yesterday and never even saw it! No one offered me any. Is there a secret signal? Should I lurk around the back looking wild-eyed and they’ll “know” what I’m there for? Where do they stock it (now I’m thinking that TJ’s has a whole crack section that I have been missing all these years)? I don’t think it possible that I could walk past something called “Cookie Butter” and not take note. They must be sold out. I’m trying another local TJ’s today and hopefully can get a fix.

  2. Pingback: Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar? | It's A Marathon AND A Sprint

  3. Pingback: Trader Joe. Back on the smack. | It's A Marathon AND A Sprint

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