The Impatient Patient

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My Sick Room. Previously known as The Living Room.

Day 3 of being tethered to my couch. 8 inches of snow outside. A pair of snowshoes weeps quietly in the corner. Stacks of magazines piled beagle height sit on the coffee table, dog eared. A 1,000 piece puzzle rests partially unfinished. Ricola wrappers lay strewn about like confetti tossed after celebrating the World’s Largest Pity Party.

My running shoes have locked themselves in the laundry room.

We all have surrendered.

The flu sucks. And I am not a good patient. I am getting antsy. I am also wondering when I will actually feel better. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a Whole New Fever Free Day. I would probably be more antsy if I actually felt human and it wasn’t currently 6 degrees outside. But alas, here I am, clad in my favorite sweats and a Madonna circa 2008 “Sticky and Sweet Tour” T-shirt. Ironic really, as I am far from sweet today. More like Snotty and Phlegmatic.

In addition to binge watching Dexter, catching an episode of Kathie Lee & Hoda for the first time (Are people really watching them? Holy Booze Bags.), I’ve also been catching up on The Blogosphere and perusing the internet. In the process, I decided to pull the trigger on the Key Bank Vermont City Marathon. It must have been the fever because right now I don’t think I can run to the mailbox. I figure I’ll run again….Someday.

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Crazy. Pants.

What I did accomplish today was in the fact department. I learned 5 Fun Facts which I will gleefully share with you. I will warn you. They are totally rando. Give me a pass. I’m delirious.

1. The Best Pizza in America is from New Haven, Connecticut. Frank Pepe’s to be exact. This will not come as a shock to us New Haveners. We tend to be of 2 camps. You like Pepe’s (No. 1) or you like Sally’s (No. 7). Actually. Scratch that. 3 camps have emerged. Pepe’s, Sally’s or Modern Apizza (No. 11). I myself have a serious thing for Pepe’s White Clam Pie. And Sally’s plain apizza?? There is nothing better. Ever. Period. The end.

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The White Clam Pie. In all of its glory.

2. Spanx are squeezing the life out of you. Apparently doctors are now saying that shape wear can squeeze internal organs, cause digestive issues, bacterial and bladder infections and affect breathing. It’s the Corset of 2014. Only because we don’t have a trio of attendants to lace us in, we squeeze our asses into them in a bizarre Spanx Dance. Come on people. I like to be smooth and sleek as much as the next gal but I’m not risking a bladder infection and a course of sulfa drugs to look skinny. Seriously. Triple Spanx-ing. That’s the rumor. Can’t we just like who we are for a change without nerve damage and digestive issues? It’s exhausting.

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3. Froot Loops are all the same flavor. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN. They are all the same damn flavor. I’ve been fed a bowl of fortified lies since the late 70s. What a damn let down. I blame that asshole Toucan Sam for perpetuating the myth. Self righteous bird. His “nose always knows” my ass. What is “Froot” anyway? It’s not “Fruit.” I should have known it was a sham blend all along. Sheesh.

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A bowl of fortified lies.

4. Lena Dunham was photoshopped on the cover of Vogue. For the love of all things Chanel, EVERYONE IS PHOTOSHOPPED ON THE COVER OF VOGUE. Is anyone shocked? Does it really matter? We photoshop our own selfies on Instagram for Pete’s sake. Should there be outrage? At least they chose to put an un-emaciated woman on the cover and not some beautiful alien with fabulous hair and a 3 inch thigh gap. Baby steps. Baby steps.

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Lena Dunham on Vogue.

5. The oldest Facebook user turned 106 years old today. Edythe Kirchmaier is also California’s oldest licensed driver and the oldest living graduate of the University of Chicago. When Edythe first signed up for Facebook, she couldn’t enter her birth year. It took Zuckerberg et al. one month to verify her age and fix the glitch. 1908. Telegraphs. Candle stick telephones. And the Model T Ford. Now she’s posting status updates on Facebook. Go figure.

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Tech Savvy Granny.

Neat, right? Just a few tidbits from The Land of Flu. From me to you.

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15 thoughts on “The Impatient Patient

    • Froot Loops (and it’s distant cousin Apple Jacks) were the only super crap sugary cereal we had. I loved those things! Lookit you with the Lucky Charms!!! I couldn’t get those if I tried!!! πŸ™‚

      • LOL we only got them if my dad took us to the grocery store. He didn’t pay attention to that stuff so when we’d get home we’d hear my mom get mad at him for buying processed sugary crap hahaha. We also convinced him to buy shampoo from Safeway because it had a cool bottle. My sis and I were terrible lol

      • Speaking of shampoo. Body on Tap. That shampoo with the beer in it? I would have DIED for that shit. When your mother is a hairdresser and gets β€œgood’ shampoo by the gallon, the odds of getting Body on Tap are slim to none!!!! So silly. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comments. They’ve made me giggle all morning.

  1. Inactivity is so difficult! Thanks to you I have now bookmarked a bunch of pizza places on my phone starting with the one LA spot. I hope you start feeling better soon and can get back outside.

    • It sucks. It really does. I was a little more mobile today. Not quite Run Mobile, but mobile nonetheless. You can check out the NY haunts after the marathon. πŸ˜‰ Or. Hop on Metro North and hightail it to New Haven and have some za. Pizza. What can’t it do?

  2. I’m a Pepe’s and Modern Fan. I hate Sally’s. Went there once and was treated like I was bothering them the whole time. The pizza was good, but not worth the hour wait and subsequent abuse. Pepe’s and Modern…sigh. I could go for some right now.

    Spanx: I have worn it before, but how the heck does someone wear more than one pair? I’m a bit mystified by that. I find one uncomfortable and I buy a size up because I don’t like tight things.

    Froot Loops – yum. Ate ’em all the time when I was younger and was totally and happily fooled. If you learn that Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch isn’t peanut butter-flavored, don’t tell me. Let me continue to be blissfully ignorant.

    Don’t even get me started on Kathie Lee and Hoda – I cannot watch them for even a minute. Didn’t Hoda used to be a real journalist?

    I love the Facebook Lady. I hope that is us when we are 106.

    I don’t care for Lena Dunham (photoshopped or not), but if someone threw my face on the cover of anything, I’d want to be photoshopped. If Heidi Klum needs to be photoshopped for the cover of Vogue, I sure wouldn’t attempt it without some digital assistance.

    Feel Better. xo

    • Re:Sally’s. That’s just part of the charm. I love it. And sadly, Sally’s Matriarch Flo, passed away recently. God I love their pizza. In fact, I’m planning on picking up a white clam pie on the way home.

      As an aside, I’m over Lena Dunham.

      • Do they do takeout now? Or are you just one of the people “in the know?”
        Lena Dunham’s publicist needs to look up “overexposed” in the dictionary. Just sayin.’

      • I’ll never tell. πŸ˜‰ There was a time, many moons ago, that I would enter Sally’s through the kitchen. Ahhhhh. Youth.

        Truth: I never cared for “Girls” on HBO. There. I said it.

      • And for Christ’s sake. If you’re going to take a risk and wear a bright yellow Zac Posen gown, have him teach you posture. Walk around with a goddamn script on your head. It’s all in the way you carry yourself. #nowthatigotthatoffmychest

        Maybe I am feeling better. πŸ™‚

    • I never liked “Girls’ either. I don’t think it is meant for my age group anyway.
      Re: Zac Posen dress. True about the posture, but honestly, posture aside – no. No. Do NOT wear the bright yellow Zac Posen dress. To anything. There are maybe 2 women in the world who can carry off that dress, and she – though a woman of many talents – is not one of them.

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