Apparently, I just had a baby.

I guess I should pass out the cigars and serve up some cocktails with teeny tiny plastic babies floating in them.

I had a baby!

At least according to Shutterfly.

Wait. What did I miss? Apparently, 9 goddamn months of gestation. Oh and labor. And delivery.

Shutterfly sent me this email today:

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Did anyone else receive this email?  Or was it just barren little old, me?  According to Shutterfly, there is nothing more fanfuckingtastic than “bringing new life into the world.”  Lookit me!  I’m a sharing, giving, loving New Mom! Who knew? They’re going to help me in my new role as Parent. Yes! Shutterfly is going To Make Me Be A Better Parent. What did Mother’s do before Shutterfly? Won’t I have the Happiest Baby on the Block now! And their first order of business for me, New Mom?  I’d better get off my ass and send those Thank You notes out lest anyone think I was rude. Or ungrateful. You know, for all of the New Baby gifts I received at my lovely garden baby shower. Somewhere, I am quite certain, Emily Post is beaming.

Really Shutterfly? What kind of data mining does your company do that prompted me to be on the “She had a baby!” list? How about you get out of my uterus and stick to photo books, calendars and Christmas cards depicting Happy Real Families in cute matching outfits. Did women struggling with infertility get your email too?  What about those who have recently miscarried?  Or how about women who are suffering through a difficult pregnancy? Were they on your distribution list?  Did they receive your valuable etiquette tip?

I hope not.

Here’s the thing Shutterfly. I’m not pregnant. I’m not a new Mom. And I’m beginning to think I never will be. Scratch that. I won’t be. For whatever reasons. And that is a constant source of sadness for me. Constant. So. Thanks for the reminder Shutterfly. The 3-Days Post Mother’s Day, “Congratulations on Your New Bundle of Joy!” note was perfect. Timely even.

I’m ready for my cigar.

And cocktail.

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33 thoughts on “Apparently, I just had a baby.

  1. Two years ago I was planning a baby shower for a friend, and just now have I stopped receiving these types of emails (just in time for another baby shower this summer). Apparently searching for baby shower decorations means I’m having a baby in the marketing world (since pregnant women typically plan their own baby showers?).

    If I ever do have kids, I’ll make sure that my thank you cards not only DON’T match my birth announcement, but also aren’t my first order of business just to spite them. Enjoy the cocktails (and lots of them!).

    • You’re kidding me?? I think I’m more annoyed about how I got on the baby list anyway? Such a sensy topic for women. Besides, who wants to be one of those “Matchy-matchy Moms”? Sheesh.

      Short run. Followed by plenty o’ cocktails. I can’t wait. 🙂

  2. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard even IF you just had a baby. What a bonehead marketing thing, not to mention insensitive for all the reasons you mentioned. How the heck would they know if people had babies? Isn’t HIPPA supposed to protect against that?
    I think Shutterfly makes people worse parents because they stress about getting perfect GD pictures so they can make perfect GD albums and calendars and Christmas ornaments and thank you cards and…oh, I’m tired just thinking about it.
    Ridiculous.
    When will you be by for the cocktail?

  3. I had one of those emails in my box, too. I figured it was sent because I recently took advantage of one of their free book offers. I’m guessing it’s a carpet-bombing approach to marketing, which I found annoying for obvious reasons, but now realize is potentially painful for a whole lot of people for a whole lot of other reasons.

    Sorry you got caught in their web and wish you a good run and cocktail!

  4. Oof. That is pretty fantastically lame. A FB friend got the same thing and she is in a similar boat…. Let’s see how big this shitstorm grows. (I’m a stepmom – anything Shutterfly wants to do with THAT?)

    • I’m guessing it will be quite a shitstorm. Although I wonder if it will be enough to overshadow the whole Jay Z- Solange- Beyoncé elevator throw down? Prolly not.

      Oh give Shutterfly a minute. They’ll come up with something for you! 🙂

  5. HA! I got it too, am also in my 40s, feel the same way as you and my reaction was first WHA?? and then GO HOME SHUTTERFLY, You Are Clearly Drunk.

    Clearly because I’ve been uploading my pictures there since 1999 and the amount of booze in them should be a clear indicator that I haven’t been pregnant at any point…

  6. That’s a Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot. With all the big data/data mining these people have at their disposal, you’d think they wouldn’t be such idiots.
    I’m having a nice home brew. Enjoy your cocktails.

  7. I got the email as well….and lord knows any eggs that I still have are surely rotten. Horrible marketing.

    • I’m sure we’ll hear a bit more about the storm they’ve created. Did you receive your apology letter this am? The “Sorry. You DIDN’T have a baby after all.” Note? 🙂 I’m being fresh. They acknowledged it. Fools. I wonder how many people got it….Hmmmmmm……

    • I may have hatched a few back in college. It was probably during a Black Out. 😉

      Screw Shutterfly. I went home, had a nice zippy tempo run (like I was being chased) and consumed copious amounts of wine. Cheers!

      • Ha, yeah between college and all the travel I’ve done, there could be baby piratebobcats all over the place! JK!!!

        I heard from other friends that they got the same email. Major screw up (do not salute Major Screw Up). I have a social run tonight followed by wine or beer or white russians or all of em! Cheers!

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