I guess I should pass out the cigars and serve up some cocktails with teeny tiny plastic babies floating in them.
I had a baby!
At least according to Shutterfly.
Wait. What did I miss? Apparently, 9 goddamn months of gestation. Oh and labor. And delivery.
Shutterfly sent me this email today:
Did anyone else receive this email? Or was it just barren little old, me? According to Shutterfly, there is nothing more fanfuckingtastic than “bringing new life into the world.” Lookit me! I’m a sharing, giving, loving New Mom! Who knew? They’re going to help me in my new role as Parent. Yes! Shutterfly is going To Make Me Be A Better Parent. What did Mother’s do before Shutterfly? Won’t I have the Happiest Baby on the Block now! And their first order of business for me, New Mom? I’d better get off my ass and send those Thank You notes out lest anyone think I was rude. Or ungrateful. You know, for all of the New Baby gifts I received at my lovely garden baby shower. Somewhere, I am quite certain, Emily Post is beaming.
Really Shutterfly? What kind of data mining does your company do that prompted me to be on the “She had a baby!” list? How about you get out of my uterus and stick to photo books, calendars and Christmas cards depicting Happy Real Families in cute matching outfits. Did women struggling with infertility get your email too? What about those who have recently miscarried? Or how about women who are suffering through a difficult pregnancy? Were they on your distribution list? Did they receive your valuable etiquette tip?
I hope not.
Here’s the thing Shutterfly. I’m not pregnant. I’m not a new Mom. And I’m beginning to think I never will be. Scratch that. I won’t be. For whatever reasons. And that is a constant source of sadness for me. Constant. So. Thanks for the reminder Shutterfly. The 3-Days Post Mother’s Day, “Congratulations on Your New Bundle of Joy!” note was perfect. Timely even.
I’m ready for my cigar.