Ultra Freak Out.

There it is.

That’s the countdown until the VT50. At least it was when I started writing this blogpost. By now it’s whittled away further.

Otherwise known as the Vermont 50.
Otherwise known as Colby’s First 50k.
Otherwise known as What the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for an Ultra Marathon in the Green Mountain State?!?!

I think I just blacked out.

This taper has been faaaar more emotional than any other taper for me. And I’ve done 7 of them. I’m not quite sure why I’ve been on the verge of mental collapse the past week and a half, but there it is. I have been.

I’m a goddamn mess.

Perhaps it’s tapering + life stress? Perhaps it’s because I made the critical mistake of reading some bullshit “You don’t have to be crazy to run an ultra marathon, just prepared!” article which listed Tips To A Successful Ultra when I should have read it 4 months ago? The first tip was: Stay flat. Yeah. I pretty much blew that one right out of the box. Perhaps it’s because I’m a “Roadie” who segued into a “Trail Runner” which is totally unchartered territory for me? Or perhaps it was the teeny tiny voice of a Little One the other day?

Yeah maybe that was it.

So on Sunday, My Other Half, His Two Quarters and I went for a walk with The Beagle. Just the 5 of us. We always take the kids to the beautiful trails near our house, where I have learned to love trail running. There is an estuary there and there are always all sorts of amazing birds fishing for supper. I was feeling blue on Sunday. Life stress. Work stress. 50K Stress. Taper stress. Running stress. Achy body stress. All at once I felt overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. So there we all are watching this beautiful bird, a green heron, fish away. She was teetering on the edge of a thin branch, patiently waiting, dangling 2 inches from the surface. Still. Calm. So focused. So controlled. So determined. So confident in herself. She was on the precipice of disaster on a very weak branch. But she kept at it. I envied her. And her wings.

Little One: She must really be hungry. She really wants that fish.
She sure does.
Little One: Have you seen her here?
No Sweetheart. Never.
Little One: {Surprised.} You explore a lot.
I do Sweetheart. A whole bunch.

She pauses. I can see her thinking. Really thinking. A slow smile creeps across her face.

Little One: You are a Runner.

I feel myself well up. And actually choke back tears. Out of the blue. There it was out of the mouths of babes. It was just what I needed to hear myself say. Out loud. Clearly. With conviction.

I am sweetheart. I am a Runner.

Let the countdown roll on.