Sleepus Interruptus.

Here’s how last night went:Sleepy Time

2:01 am: Evil Beagle, the tricolored furnace, has wedged herself between me and My Other Half. I’m on the leg side. She is rigid, paws digging into my collar bones. We are eye to eye. She is snoring as if she is a morbidly obese drunk man with sleep apnea. She weighs 23 lbs. I shove her. She rolls over, entangled in my duvet. She’s a Beagle-rito. I have zero covers. I am freezing.

3:17 am: Evil Beagle and her deviated septum are by our feet. My Other Half is in the throes of a bad dream. In it, he is Manny Pacquiao. And this is a Title Fight. He is punching me and talking in tongues. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I swear at him loudly. Punch back. He mutters he loves me, and blows an air kiss. He rolls over, still sleeping soundly. I have zero covers. I am freezing.

4:32 am:  The Good Dog is up. He is ticky-tacking all over the hard wood floor. I debate clipping his nails at that very moment. I don’t know where the clipper is. He sighs loudly. Life is so tough. He flops back down onto his million dollar tempur-pedic dog bed, and begins to give his undercarriage a bit of a wash. I am in hell. Only I can’t be, because I am freezing.

5:53 am. “Wake-up” to some sort of critter running fartleks. WHAT THE HELL? Is it on the roof? Is in the wall? Did baby critters just hatch? I’m freaking out. The Good Dog growls, runs down the hall way. It’s outside. I’m on the front lawn in my jammies wrapped in a leopard blanket looking at a squirrel about to pull a Flying Wallenda onto the feeder. Is there a hidden camera somewhere? AM I BEING PUNKED?!  Good Dog barks wildly then proceeds to pee on the tree which houses the feeder. You know, for good measure. It does the trick. Squirrel aborts mission. Peace has been restored.

5:59 am. I’m up. And have been. I pour myself a gallon of coffee and pad off into the shower, bleary eyed.

Amount of sleep:  Next to nil.

This has been the story of my life lately.  And guess what? It’s catching up with me. I am a haggard zombie. Even my skin looks tired. I have zero energy and my runs have been feeling it too. They’re “Meh” at best with dead tired legs.  If my legs had eyes, there would be two X’s in place of eyeballs. They’re tuckered.  I have had a negligible amount of sleep for MONTHS. First, it was because of stress, which I am happy to report ended with a big ol’ bouquet of good news. (Relive the joy, here.) And now? Other than last night’s MMA fight circus? It still isn’t back to normal. It’s not for lack of trying either.

I have tried to get my sleep back on track with some minor success. I popped melatonin, drank chamomile tea, cut back on caffeine, and took warm Epsom salt baths with lavender before bed time, all in a bid for Sweet Dreams. Despite the best of intentions, The Sand Man Lost.  Never being one to have sleep issues, I had naively assumed this disruption was transient. When stress went away, sleep would snuggle back in.  Oh no, Poodle.  That hasn’t been the story. Christ. I even bought a new mattress which is RIDICULOUSLY comfortable. I just need to get Princess Evil Beagle her own jazzy bed so she keeps her ass off of ours.

I’m just off.  I’m hoping the change of season- longer days, natural sunlight and temps above freezing- all help. I’m also going to take a good hard look at my sleep, diet, training, health- the whole shebang. Something isn’t right. From sleep on down. I feel like I never recovered well from the Ultra I ran SIX DAMN MONTHS AGO. That’s just pathetic. I’m just kind of broken. And I need a fix. STAT.

Do you feel like a Sleepy Slug lately? How many hours of sleep do you get per night? Has your bunk mate ever punched you in their sleep? Sheesh.  


54 thoughts on “Sleepus Interruptus.

  1. Sorry, but I can’t feel bad for ya. If you were pack leader, dogs wouldn’t be allowed on the furniture, like ours aren’t. As for the claws clickity clacking, I think you should try kitten mittens:
    Also, I’m sure you have another blanket in the house that you could go get, don’t you?
    Told ya I don’t feel bad. Love ya, mean it. 🙂

    • Tough Love up in here. The Evil Beagle inevitably winds up on the bed. No matter what. The Good Dog is…well…the Good Dog and behaves as such. Kitten Mittens. You kill me. And F-Y-to the-I…I clipped the talons today. And where on earth did you think the leopard blanket I was swaddled in came from? Yesssss. The couch. Sheesh.

  2. Omg, so sorry to hear! Not getting sleep is NOT fun! I do not get a lot of sleep some nights because well…I definitely have some sort of sleeping problem. Ugh, it’s horrible. I’ve tried lots of similar stuff you’ve tried, too. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t! I feel your pain!! I wish you much rest in the future (like tonight)!! XOXO

  3. This really sucks but your description of your night is hilarious. I’ve struggled with sleep in the past, and I generally find my biggest need is to start unplugging earlier in the evening so I can shut off my brain.

  4. I said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a broken down barnacle barge. Both sympathy and empathy here. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m never a very good sleeper and could summarize every late night episode on ID Discovery to prove it (and no, it’s not the murder documentaries keeping me up. I’m ALREADY up when I turn them on. I love them and I want to invite Joe Kenda: Homicide Hunter to Thanksgiving at my house. Have you watched? He’s awesome.)
    It sucks, I’m not sure how to fix it, but I do think that the spring will help correct. I do not think it is your diet or training, although you can look. I think it is due to a shitty long winter and WE ARE DONE. Of course health scares made it all worse. That started it and I have found that once your sleep pattern is thrown off, it is hard to get back on track. I think you are doing all the right things and it will get better but I know how it feels and It. Just. Sucks.
    I don’t want even to start telling you how much my family interrupts my sleep because I love them but if I put all the interruptions down in writing I will punch someone in the throat. Suffice it to say that C snores, A has a lot of bad dreams and N showed up in my room and woke me up at 12:30 on Saturday night with her sleepover guest and a turquoise foam squid hat on her head. Guest had a cheetah print oversized crown on her head with a zebra snuggie and I thought we were being burgled by a duo on their way back from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. No wonder my 7 AM 22-miler stunk.
    M sleeps like a normal person, but he is all the way on the other side of the house.

    • Oh Poodle. For the love of CHRIST. Stop watching that crazy shit! I watched it ONCE with you in a hotel room before the Diva Half. And if memory serves me, we wound up in THE very diner frequented by the SERIAL KILLER profiled in that crazy show picking up a bagel before the race. Am I right?!?!

      All I know is I have no clue how you function on so little sleep. I have been an angry white faces hornet this whole time.

      N kills me by the way.


  5. While your nighttime nightmare cracked me up, it’s pretty much been an ongoing theme here in the boring house as well. Honestly, what has been going on lately? I’ve been sleeping like crap. The dogs have adopted a nocturnal lifestyle, and Big A could sleep through a tornado as he alligator death rolls me every night. Everybody go the hell to sleep so I can, k thanks.
    Maybe you got yourself so accustomed to being stressed out that your body can’t shut off the thinker in spite of your great news. I don’t have any tips for you as the insomnia thing is new for me as well. Hope you sleep well tonight friend!

  6. Daylight Savings was one of the worst things that could have happened to me last week. I couldn’t fall asleep until 1:00 a.m. every night and had trouble waking up at 7:00 a.m. I’m still not caught up, because last night I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00 a.m. It’s the pits. I don’t know what I can do short of eating Lunesta at this point…

    • I’d pop that shit like Altoids at this point. Baby steps over here. And I agree with you about the time change. The flip side is that the extra daylight is making me SUPER happy. Here’s to hoping you have a nice snooze tonight! Xo 🙂

  7. Oh man, that sucks… Unfortunately I’m finding it difficult to stop laughing. You nailed the delivery in the post.

    When I get too stressed out, I have a tough time sleeping. If I can’t fall asleep in an hour, I head to the couch and watch TV till I do. Works every time. Well almost every time. When it doesn’t, I stay up all night and don’t take a nap the next day. I sleep like a baby that night. Good luck. Manny…! Priceless!

    • It’s all fun and games until someone gets the snot beat out of them in their own bedroom! So. Ridiculous. I’m hoping for a slow return to normal. And probably a black eye at this rate… 😉

  8. Beagle-rito 😂 So sorry your nights have been so rough! If it helps, the other night I started off with just my other half in the bed. Then one child arrived at my bedside shaking with bulging eyes post horrific nightmare. I tried the “It’s ok. Go back to bed” line but it didn’t work. He was totally freaked out. Scared One crawled on in between us. Enzo hears Scared One and thinks it’s a party. He hops on up to check on Scared One. His stuffed turkey happened to be on the bed as well for the big snuggle session. After all, the more the merrier, right?? I clutched the edge of the bed all night trying not to fall out. The next morning the other half actually said he didn’t know why my back and neck were so stiff since I had half the bed 😳

    • That’s a lot of human and German Shepherd on one bed!!!! Oh and a stuffed turkey! I am happy to report that all was quiet last night. I actually slept with only ONE middle of the night wake up. #babysteps

  9. Nicole, you would laugh heartily at Mat’s impression of me with my blinders, earplugs and noise machine, but they do make a difference as long as your other half can tolerate them! I go to sleep without them but routinely wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning and then put them in/on to drown out the early morning noises, snores, light pouring in, etc. Also, after 7 sleepless months with my baby twins, it took me at least two extra months, once they were sleeping through the night, to get back to sleeping somewhat normally again (as normal as you can be with blinders, earplugs and noise machine!), so it will likely take you a bit more time after all the troubled sleep you’ve had due to your health scare (and that little beagle of yours!). Back then I also bought some meditation cd’s, and a couple of them helped me drift off and stay asleep (a couple of them were really annoying and even made me giggle with the narrator kind of sternly saying, “You go to sleep, you go to sleep, you go to sleep”). I wish I could remember the name of the good ones but unfortunately cannot!
    On a different topic, I’ve been thinking of you because the whole neighborhood is collecting items to donate to a PanMass yard sale fundraising effort. The PanMass’er made $1000 doing it last year! Maybe an idea for you? 🙂
    Sending you good sleep vibes for the future!

    • WOW! You are a PRO! I should have called you months ago!! And I can only imagine Mat’s impersonation of you (Note: Her husband might be one of the funniest human beings I have ever met. For real. True riot. Improv and all. ) I’m not sure I could take a “mediation” CD with some crazy bastard yelling: You go to sleep! I am sllllowwwly returning to normal. It will come. The less I stress about it, the better off I am.

      That’s so funny you mentioned a PMC tag sale! We were just talking about doing something like that this year!! That’s awesome!!


      • Good luck if you do the tag sale or whatever way you do your fundraising!
        Had to tell you too that I just read yesterday about mindfulness and that those who practice it sleep better, so another little tip. You’re right that you’ll get there before long! 🙂

  10. Zoe has started getting braver with her forays into our bed at night. The past few nights she has batted Alex awake at 3 whatever in the morning. I meanwhile, just don’t sleep simply for the sport of it, it seems. I go from nights sleeping like a log to ones where I just kind of skim the surface.
    You could threaten turning Evil Beagle into a Frito Pie?

    • I had previously slept like a LOG. I’d wake up like a damn Disney Princess, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Now? I’m drooling with a matted bun on top of my head. I am slooooowly turning a corner. Last night only one wake up and it wasn’t Beagle related. Little Demon. I’m holding the Frito Pie card close. She’d love Zoe. Freshies.

  11. Yuck. I have an ongoing battle with sleep. Some nights are easy-peasy, some nights I hardly sleep. No rhyme or reason for it. And yes, my partner is a sleep walker/talker/cover stealer/snorer, which can be problematic. And a cat who likes to sleep on my feet. I hope you find a solution soon!

    • I am pleased to report that My Other Half and Evil Beagle were on their best behavior last night. No beagles were harmed during sleep hours! It’s coming!!! But I agree, it ain’t easy!! 🙂

  12. oh gosh that sounds horrible.!! I can’t remember the last night I slept like this. thankfully. my sleeping buddy always seems to hit me or kick me (my 2 year old). haha.

  13. I know it’s not funny for you, but I was basically howling while reading your post.

    Buuuuut, I feel for you. For me, sleep is one of THE most important keys to keeping me healthy, sane and fit. Without it, everything goes down the tubes.

    My goal is to get a minimum of 7.5 hours of sleep per night. 8-9 is perfect.

    My gigantic wiener dog (30lbs) can be a HUGE disruptor of my sleep because, well, it’s all about them, right? My pillow is her pillow, she needs to duvet more than me and we MUST spoon.

    Sigh. But they’re so darn cute!

    I hope you find some sleep soon.

    • THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! 🙂 As the years tick on, I am finding that sleep is IMPERATIVE. Which is why I’m so bent out of shape! I’m making my goal be between 8-9 hours too. That is one big ol’ hot dog!! They’re Evil, aren’t they? But I do love ’em. 🙂 Sweet Dreams, Lady!!!!

  14. Haha! Your other half sounds like me. I’m sorry you haven’t been sleeping well. I hope you gain some good rest soon! At least you’re not going through the hot flashes – usually I’m like: covers off. Covers on. Covers off. Covers on. Ah well!

    It could be that all the stress you’ve been going through is catching up with you. Maybe you need a spa day – or week.

  15. So sorry!!! I have ONE night of this and I’m a terror the next day. Ok, maybe the day after, there’s a delay effect. My dog doesn’t sleep in our bed, but our cats do, and there’s been many nights when I’ve waken up with a cat arm strewn over my face and rolled up behind my neck. Her dance space invades my dance space, so I always have to put her gold furry arm back where it belongs- NOT ON MY FACE. You have a lot of patience. When I can’t find sleep, Benedryl helps, but I know its’ not a long term solution. And not after midnight or I’d never wake up. I hope you find your sleep, but your use of the English language is certainly not lacking! Take care and HUGS 🙂

    • I have ZERO idea where the patience comes from. I have it with the Evil Beagle because she’s a former laboratory research beagle that I adopted and I always feel like The Rules don’t apply to her. She gets a pass. Girlfriend had a rough start. She’s actually a love. An Evil Love, but a love. The Good Dog is the best. And he behaves. My Other Half’s Slumber Abuse, is RIDICULOUS. if I didn’t love him, he’d be on the jazzy dog bed. Ahhhh I love my crazy house, bags under my eyes and all! Xo

  16. Funniest post I’ve read in a bit – awesome. I sleep about six hours per night. I’d love more, but usually I’m just thankful when it’s not four or five… and I’ve never been the punchee *awkward* but I have been the puncher. #SleepProblems

    • Sheesh. What’s your beef Jason? No one likes to get the shit kicked out of them just as they’re drifting off into Sleepyville. 😉 I will say, that since I wrote this, My Other Half has been on his best behavior. I’m waiting for the flowers to arrive. Na-nights, Manny. And you nailed it— #SleepProblems is right!!! 🙂

  17. (Crap. Change shorts from peeing in them from extreme laughter overload at picture in head of crazed woman screaming at flying squirrel.) Two words my sister: TYLENOL PM. Okay maybe the second one isn’t really a word, but you get what I’m saying here. Oh hello my little light blue pill of happiness. No honey, not THAT blue pill. Go away, girlfriend needs her zzz’s.

  18. The time change always messes with my sleep regardless of whether or not it goes back or forward. I don’t usually get that much rest as it is though. 6 hours a night if I’m really lucky. I don’t need much more either I don’t think (I do drink an awful lot of coffee though.) I hope you can get some good rest soon. ❤

    • Thanks, Lady! When I was sleeping “well” it was about 6hrs but since I’ve cut back on late day caffeine, when I do sleep- it’s 8+. Last night ZERO INTERRUPTUS! And today—- I am PEPPY!!! Look out World! 🙂 xo

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