5 Things You Shouldn’t Do in a Fitness Class. Like Ever.

I’ve been spending some quality time at the gym lately.  And when I say quality, I mean sweat pouring down the face, heart rate thumping, Quality Time. Running and I haven’t broken up. We’re just seeing other people.

Dear Running. It's not you, it's me. I'm burnt out. http://t.co/KMKSh7xIEc #Spinning #runchat #lesmills

— Colby (@RunColbyRun) December 11, 2014

In fact, we’ve been “dating.” And for now, we’re getting along brilliantly. We see each other 3 or so times a week- for breakfast, coffee and an early supper. The rest of the week I have been flirting with Group Classes at my gym- Spin, Group Ride, Body Pump and Group Centergy (or Spin, Spin, Full Body Weight Training and Yoga for the non-Les Mills familiar folk). I’m loving it. I’ll admit it. It’s been a nice balance lately. I feel stronger. I’m sore. I’m peppy. I look forward to Running. All good—with one teeny tiny exception.

Exercise in a group setting is incredibly motivating. Follow along like a nice little worker bee, and you’ll get something out of it- a boost in energy, a feeling of “We’re all in this sweat lodge together, Kids!”, and a great workout. It’s kind of mindless. But, it’s a Group. As in: A Bunch of Strangers. With Group Fitness comes great responsibility, a Code of Etiquette.  Sometimes, people forget they’re in a PUBLIC space, and not in their clothing strewn bedroom in front of their mirror, semi-clad in side crow, taking selfies, and tweeting them. So, with Group Fitness in mind, here are a few gentle reminders of what NOT to do when you’re working out with 40 of your new Gym BFFs.

1. Wear Clothes. As in, wear actual shorts, not virtual shorts. It’s fantastic that you can rock a pair of booty shorts and subsequently bounce a quarter off of your ass. I say, BRAVO!  Butt, as you’re bending over flat backed, and grabbing a swig of your coconut water, be considerate of the people behind you who can see every square inch of you. INSIDE AND OUT. And listen, we all haven’t had enough coffee for that. Or vodka for that matter. Clothes. Wear them. And please be sure they cover your bits.
2. Check Yourself Out. Of course, if you’re checking your form out while lifting a ton of weights, that’s perfectly acceptable. That’s what the 400 mirrors lining the room are there for. Here’s what they’re not there for: They are not there for you to bust out your lipstick and re-line your lips before re-applying MAC Viva Glam V to your perfect pout before class is even finished. It’s distracting. It’s also not hawt. It’s ridiculous. You’re in the middle of class which is still going on. Stop, Vanity Smurf. Stop.
3. Social Media. Stop posting in Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, YikYak, Tinder, Plenty of Fish or whatever the hell the app of the moment is. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. It’s only a goddamn hour. Sixty stinking minutes. Unplug. While you’re following along on the floor doing planks, they’re standing there in the middle of class, dumbbell in one hand, iPhone in the other totally oblivious. I’m sure they’re getting in one hell of a workout {insert audible eye roll}. Again, it’s distracting. And rude. Stop wasting everyone’s time. OURS especially.
4. Spread out. Weights. Plates. Mat. Risers. Phone. Keys. Hoodie. Water. Supplements. A Ziploc baggie of grilled chicken. All things EVERYWHERE. I mean really. Keep it together. Class is tight. You’re making it tighter. I’m waging a campaign against gymspreading. Be considerate people. I’m next to you. If you’d stop instagramming pics of how much weight you’re squatting, look up, and actually squat the damn weight, you’d know you weren’t alone. #stopthespread
5. Do your own thing. You might be able to get away with this to a degree in spin, but in a class where you’re laying on a bench doing tricep extensions, and they’re standing doing clean and presses right over your head? Um. NOT GOOD. The same goes for group instruction that’s choreographed, albeit with a slight exception. If I do my own thing in Zumba, it’s because I have no goddamn idea what the steps are, I’m just pretending I’m Jenny from the Block. That’s why I’m in the back. They’re being rude, distracting and dangerous. I’m clueless with minimal rhythm. We know you’re an individual. Do your thang, Girl. Do your thang. Just don’t do it over my head with that wobbly plate dangling off the bar.  Don’t be THAT person. No one likes them.

I wish I could tell you that I just sat here, making this shit up. But alas, all this is true. Sweet Jesus. I’ve seen it all the past few weeks. Consider this post a Gym PSA. 🙂

What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen in class? Ready? GO!